Bandwagoning

Recycling

2011-03-30T19:38:00.003Z

Me: I don't think you can recycle yogurt pots.

H: Yes you can Daddy. You can make a pig's nose.

We seek him here, we seek him there.

2011-03-09T10:43:00.002Z

I may not have much time left, so whilst I am still able, let me recount yesterday's incident at the shops. I asked an elderly lady which ingredients I would need to make pancakes, at which point she burst into floods of tears. Having read the local paper this morning, I fear I might be the much sought after 'Beast of Waitrose'.

The Death of the Househusband

2010-12-19T15:48:00.002Z

The proposed UK Internet porn ban, or "Death of the Househusband" bill, looks set to triple unemployment numbers as former stay-at-home fathers sign on and look for work.

Another measure to protect our children sees the Government banning snow and root vegetables because of some people's inability to keep their snowmen 'clean'.

A Government spokesperson today announced plans to rid the UK of 'cock and balls' graffiti by banning art, in all forms.

And this just in, a move to outlaw Alphabetti Spaghetti, to protect children from swear words, has met with universal approval in the House of Commons.

Well, I for one am thrilled that so much is being done by our leaders to shield our youngsters from filth. Bravo!

Flare-ups in the budget review.

2010-02-03T11:46:00.004Z

"Look, we've gone and blown all the cash and with a credit rating worse than Madoff, no-one's gonna lend to UK p.l.c. It's time to face facts. We can't stage this white elephant properly. What we need now are excuses. Big sound-bite excuses. The wackier the better. Ok? Let's brainstorm. Bad weather? Nope, Beijing did that. We could flood London? Like your thinking, but that would cost too much to clear up. Solar Firestorm - Bingo! Give that girl a gold star. Right get me some boffins, organise a press conference and most importantly, where are we going for lunch?" - excerpt from 2012 Budget Review Meeting. http://bit.ly/9rAMsm

What if the aliens don't like us?

2010-01-27T10:24:00.002Z

They won't. They'll hate us. We're the neighbours who out-breed our flat, trash the place, steal, fight & lie. There goes the universe.

King of the Jews AND King of the Lizards?

2010-01-25T12:33:00.003Z

This morning it was raining heavily when the children and I strode out in search of adventure. The RHS gardens at Wisley weren't an option, nor was a walk along the Thames. Leaving Mother Nature to her tantrum, we headed for the solace of the library. Always warm and dry, here we could lose ourselves for an hour in the company of old friends; the little mole with poo on his head; The Gruffalo (and his errant child); feline fiends Scarface Claw and Slinky Malinky; role model Peter Rabbit and others. Except we couldn't, because the library is closed on Mondays.

Standing in the rain with two wet and increasingly frustrated children, I experienced divine intervention of sorts. The church next to the library had a sign outside saying 'Open - Visitors Welcome'. We made a beeline for the big oak doors and went inside. A very welcoming curate (I suspect we were his only visitors) encouraged us to explore, and so we did. Both children had recently been introduced to the Nativity story at nursery, and were full of questions. Is this Jesus's house? Will he mind us being here? Is he dead? Where is he? Has he gone to Waitrose? Will he carry my hat?

After a very enjoyable 45mins, it was time to head home for some lunch. "Daddy, what does Jesus look like?" H asked earnestly, as we were leaving. Thinking on my feet I told him that Jesus could look like many things. A flower in spring, a friend when you need help, a glass of water when you're thirsty and so on.

"I think he looks like a Tyrannosaurus rex," H declared, as he took his sister's hand and marched off homeward bound.

Sound judgement from judges please.

2010-01-20T11:02:00.006Z

To jail the Hussain brothers, whose beating meted out to burglar Walid Salem left him with permanent brain damage, is money well spent how? These men have no reported previous criminal convictions. One is the chairman of the Asian Business Council. They do not appear to be a menace to society, unlike the intruder who held their family at knifepoint and then suffered a brutal beating as a consequence.

What the Hussain brothers did was wrong. Instant violent punishment inflicted by victims is a path down which no sane society would tread. But the law already makes provisions to punish them for their actions. No need for additional legislation. Convictions for assault with suspended sentences, surely?

The Hussain's prison sentences serve to cement the impression that one is more likely to receive custodial punishment at the hands of the judiciary for choosing to take (and then own up to) a spur-of-the-moment stance against crime, than for choosing to make a living from it.

I told you so

2010-01-19T12:42:00.011Z

I try to avoid saying "I told you so" because we're all capable of so much with hindsight, but sometimes there is nothing else to say. Like today, when I read the article on alcohol abuse in The Times. It suggests that government plans to curb drinks promotions that encourage binge drinking are an admission of failure. A monumental failure, on the part of 24-hour drinking reforms and Hazel Blears, to foster a 'continental café-bar culture'. What 24-hour drinking seems to have catalysed instead is unprecedented drink related violence and crime, soaring NHS costs to the public purse, and further societal and family breakdown.

To change existing behaviours (assuming that is what the move towards a 'continental café-bar culture' was about) and to encourage restraint, self respect and personal accountability, you have to understand what drives the current set of behaviours. What do young people aspire towards today? Who are their role models? What makes them proud to be British? Who do they look up to amongst their peer group and elders in the community? How do they see the relationship between 'owning stuff' and hard graft? What do they do to support the vulnerable and those less fortunate than themselves? It's the health of these values (and others) that determines the success or otherwise of initiatives aimed to bring about behavioural change.

I have neither quantitative nor qualitative answers to these questions. But go and ask a few kids on street corners (if you dare) and you'll very quickly get a feel for where they choose to draw their horizons. Usually at the foot of the bed. Having understood the despair, it gets easier to understand why we have such high rates of bullying and violent crime; STDs and unwanted pregnancy; mental illness; alcohol abuse and drug misuse. Don't think that these are the problems of the lower socio-economic groups. They are rife throughout our society.

Now look at the same set of values in continental Europe, where access to alcohol is, and has always been, more relaxed. Almost without exception they are in better health, as evidenced through the way families are more strongly bonded; higher levels of national pride in learning, culture, language and industry; the availability of apprenticeships and in some cases national service (military or otherwise); lower levels of violent crime, STDs and unwanted pregnancies, mental illness, drug and alcohol misuse etc.

So, it would appear that giving a despairing society, gripped by widespread existential crisis, the opportunity to drink 24/7 was not the smartest way to change behaviour and broaden horizons. Well I could have told you that. Self control and restraint are not top of the agenda when societal values that encourage them are at an all time low. But our politicians aren't stupid are they? So maybe the drinks industry, a powerful lobby, provided the real impetus behind the push towards a "continental café-bar culture"? Either explanation is deplorable - we're stupid or we were pushed into it for financial gain. Take your pick.

Lovefool

2010-01-13T09:34:00.001Z

Last night my darling wife told me I was profound, which I hesitantly took as a compliment; I've been hurt before. Turns out I should have trusted my instinct. I didn't hear the '-ly deaf' tagged on the end of her kind words.

Duty calls. As does Coutts & Co.

2010-01-05T09:12:00.001Z

£46m Lotto winner's son joins Royal Marines in Afghanistan. "He chose to stay.. and deserves great credit," said a colleague. Bank agrees.

When your hero's actions come home to roost

2010-01-04T20:09:00.000Z

"If Fry can turn it off to write a book surely you can find time between treats [sic] to wash?" muttered my wife while reading the paper. Further illustration of B's love affair with social networking.

Party = costume

2010-01-02T10:44:00.000Z

'Daddy's gone to a party' said Granny to my son. 'Will he be wearing a spiderman outfit?'

Dr Why?

2010-01-02T10:43:00.000Z

"I can be hip, I know what you kids watched on TV tonight" she said before dancing round the room singing "Let's do the Time Lord again.."

Genetic farming breakthrough?

2009-12-28T16:50:00.002Z

"How much ham are you having?" B remarked with some incredulity having noticed the rather large slice on my plate. "You've got half a cow there," she continued.

Lurking in the shadows

2009-12-22T04:40:00.004Z

Looking for something late at night, by the permagloom cast from low energy bulbs, is like probing dark recesses of the mind; it's in here somewhere, but what else awaits?

Gifting (what a ghastly term)

2009-12-20T11:39:00.001Z

I'm giving my unsuspecting wife an iron for Christmas. Functional gifts are great don't you think? Apparently she's got a knife for me. How exciting!

What do John Paul Jones, Dave Grohl and Josh Homme have in common with my children?

2009-12-18T01:52:00.004Z

Just back from a memorable Them Crooked Vultures set at Hammersmith Apollo. In places, it was a touch prog for my taste, but overall they were magnificent. I was trying to think of how to describe it to B, who is fed up with me gushing Grohl/Homme whenever I've seen Foo Fighters/QOTSA. I decided that the gig (all 1hr 45mins of it) was much like our children's first few years; exasperating at times, but then they'd do something wonderful & I'd have forgiven them anything.

See what you think. Here's all 98mins of them last week.

Her worst fears confirmed

2009-12-11T01:17:00.003Z

B is not a fan of online social networking. This evening, somewhat sceptically she signed up to Twitter. "It's fun you'll see," I said encouragingly. "I'll find you and add you to my follows."

We searched, on a full name basis, for her newly created user profile. The search came back instantly with somebody called Twatpockett topping the list.

"That's not me," she said.

Time waits for no one, lest we forget

2009-12-09T11:30:00.002Z

Mum's kitchen resounds with the buzzing of timers. Repeatedly, she mutes them & then returns to the paper. It's an age thing apparently.

The road to Cambodia #2

2009-12-08T19:40:00.002Z

Buoyed by the success of the fish raffle, Simon & Colin head to the park, jump on an old bike and go like the clappers

The Brazilian Job

2009-12-08T09:15:00.001Z

Tunneling Sao Paulo raiders take $6m during football match and find time to tidy up Xmas bush - The Brazilian Job

Only fools and horses.....

2009-12-04T10:07:00.003Z

My darling wife's take on one of my 'what next' concepts:

J has announced that posting spoonerisms on twitter is the way to make his fortune. It will however require him to do facebooking and twittering 10hours a day 7 days a week. I pointed out that if he thinks standing on the internet equivalent of a street corner yelling victor lagina is ever going to make him any money then he's deluded. He tells me that if each "follower" results in 0.01p revenue with every click then he could make millions. He currently has 18 "followers".

Behind every great man, as they say.

The road to Cambodia

2009-12-03T11:30:00.000Z

He can now look a hammerhead in the eyes. New goggles & involuntary bowel openings threaten Simon's preparation

Normal service resumes

2009-11-30T00:23:00.005Z

B has passed her last set of exams. We are all looking forward to seeing a lot more of her at home again. This morning, both of us tired after a broken night's sleep, she was a little short with me over something inconsequential.

"You're right," she said when I asked her what was wrong. "I've forgotten what it's like being around you."