Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Me: I don't think you can recycle yogurt pots.

H: Yes you can Daddy. You can make a pig's nose.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

We seek him here, we seek him there.

I may not have much time left, so whilst I am still able, let me recount yesterday's incident at the shops. I asked an elderly lady which ingredients I would need to make pancakes, at which point she burst into floods of tears. Having read the local paper this morning, I fear I might be the much sought after 'Beast of Waitrose'.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Death of the Househusband

The proposed UK Internet porn ban, or "Death of the Househusband" bill, looks set to triple unemployment numbers as former stay-at-home fathers sign on and look for work.

Another measure to protect our children sees the Government banning snow and root vegetables because of some people's inability to keep their snowmen 'clean'.

A Government spokesperson today announced plans to rid the UK of 'cock and balls' graffiti by banning art, in all forms.

And this just in, a move to outlaw Alphabetti Spaghetti, to protect children from swear words, has met with universal approval in the House of Commons.

Well, I for one am thrilled that so much is being done by our leaders to shield our youngsters from filth. Bravo!

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Flare-ups in the budget review.

"Look, we've gone and blown all the cash and with a credit rating worse than Madoff, no-one's gonna lend to UK p.l.c. It's time to face facts. We can't stage this white elephant properly. What we need now are excuses. Big sound-bite excuses. The wackier the better. Ok? Let's brainstorm. Bad weather? Nope, Beijing did that. We could flood London? Like your thinking, but that would cost too much to clear up. Solar Firestorm - Bingo! Give that girl a gold star. Right get me some boffins, organise a press conference and most importantly, where are we going for lunch?" - excerpt from 2012 Budget Review Meeting.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What if the aliens don't like us?

They won't. They'll hate us. We're the neighbours who out-breed our flat, trash the place, steal, fight & lie. There goes the universe.

Monday, January 25, 2010

King of the Jews AND King of the Lizards?

This morning it was raining heavily when the children and I strode out in search of adventure. The RHS gardens at Wisley weren't an option, nor was a walk along the Thames. Leaving Mother Nature to her tantrum, we headed for the solace of the library. Always warm and dry, here we could lose ourselves for an hour in the company of old friends; the little mole with poo on his head; The Gruffalo (and his errant child); feline fiends Scarface Claw and Slinky Malinky; role model Peter Rabbit and others. Except we couldn't, because the library is closed on Mondays.

Standing in the rain with two wet and increasingly frustrated children, I experienced divine intervention of sorts. The church next to the library had a sign outside saying 'Open - Visitors Welcome'. We made a beeline for the big oak doors and went inside. A very welcoming curate (I suspect we were his only visitors) encouraged us to explore, and so we did. Both children had recently been introduced to the Nativity story at nursery, and were full of questions. Is this Jesus's house? Will he mind us being here? Is he dead? Where is he? Has he gone to Waitrose? Will he carry my hat?

After a very enjoyable 45mins, it was time to head home for some lunch. "Daddy, what does Jesus look like?" H asked earnestly, as we were leaving. Thinking on my feet I told him that Jesus could look like many things. A flower in spring, a friend when you need help, a glass of water when you're thirsty and so on.

"I think he looks like a Tyrannosaurus rex," H declared, as he took his sister's hand and marched off homeward bound.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sound judgement from judges please.

To jail the Hussain brothers, whose beating meted out to burglar Walid Salem left him with permanent brain damage, is money well spent how? These men have no reported previous criminal convictions. One is the chairman of the Asian Business Council. They do not appear to be a menace to society, unlike the intruder who held their family at knifepoint and then suffered a brutal beating as a consequence.

What the Hussain brothers did was wrong. Instant violent punishment inflicted by victims is a path down which no sane society would tread. But the law already makes provisions to punish them for their actions. No need for additional legislation. Convictions for assault with suspended sentences, surely?

The Hussain's prison sentences serve to cement the impression that one is more likely to receive custodial punishment at the hands of the judiciary for choosing to take (and then own up to) a spur-of-the-moment stance against crime, than for choosing to make a living from it.